I am about to step into something that goes way beyond my capability to understand or analyze or talk about or even write about. That realm is a part of a human being that starts from its first breath and ends at its last breath. It is something called 'upbringing' or 'bringing up'. I have lived among old and young but I never used to think about whys and how’s of life. Kids, as I was, are busy with schools, play, mischief, and what not. I was not one of those mischievous kind of kids, but a sobered down from my early days. Not that I was always good, I have had my share of deeds that are not something I can talk about. How a person lives life as a kid definitely shows up how that person grows up. Some people never get their act together, but some change totally. What I am writing about is neither about the way a human being grows up and nor about how it changes, it is about how we want a human being to be.
I dream of a cute little daughter and sharing all kinds of moments with her, moments my little head can imagine. I believe that my little girl will not cry but will call me to help her out when the time is right. I believe that she will cling to me more than she would cling to her mom in her very very early days. When she is a few months old, I imagine her winking at me when her mom feeds her, just to tell me who the boss is and who belongs where. Thus starting a war between the two of us, a war to be with the mom of the house. I am sure I will help her grow up to be a nuisance in the house and make sure her mom has a tough time handling her, but be at peace when with me. With her first birthday very near she would start anticipating the excitement and trying to be a part of it. When she starts to walk, she would run around house and do all kinds of things that normal kids don't do. She would watch me and her mom cook especially monitoring mom to make sure she does everything the right way, just to emphasize the point that dad cooks well for her. I imagine her stealing her mom's glasses and pretending as if she is innocent till I tell her to give them in. With the sas bahu serials still running, she would be spending more time with me than her mom just to tell mom what is important than watching TV. When it is time to eat, she would always make me feed her, sending a message to her mom that she is not the only woman in my life. She would want me to read her bedtime stories, especially the long ones to keep mom waiting in the other room. She would laugh out loud, step outside her bedroom, and make noise to let her mom know that she is still awake and dad is not coming anytime soon. When she notices that mom has her glaring stare at me telling me that this is not fair, she would promptly say that she is not going to repeat it and calm her mom down, but it is the same way again the very next day. She would make her mom jump and dance around the house but is just like a quiet kid when dad shows up so that mom's complaints have no proof to warrant a private talk between the two of us.
She would reassure us on her first day of the school that she will be fine and we should take care of ourselves and not worry about her. She would promise that the kids at school will not run scared of her because I tell her not to scare them off. On her return from the school on the very first day, she would tell me that the teacher does not know anything, like I used to say most of the times and she would rather be good teaching the teacher a few things. I would want her to be good at what she does, like I always believe in. She would never be afraid of doing what she wants to because I tell her to do so. She would believe in me and never fall for those 'love bites'. With her advancing years, she would ask me how to go about further studies and carry on accordingly. She would know that parents are people who one can always trust and what parents do and say is always for the good of their children. She would never do things that would make me feel bad in the slightest and would say things that would make me proud. She would always be better than what I was in whatever I did. She would always be what I am not and would always do what I could not. When time comes, she would marry the guy I choose for her, believing that her dad always makes the right choice. I know that I am always right, be it for her or for me. I would tell her to dream of having a cute little daughter one day and then share all kind of moments with her, moments her little head can imagine. I want my daughter to be happy when she has her daughter, happier than I was when I had her as my daughter.
All this makes me happy and think that I am going to have a very happy family. No wonder, who would not be happy if all wishes were to come true. But then I find something creepy in all this. Who am I doing all this for? Who am I dreaming for? When I think about this, I feel ashamed. Ashamed because of how selfish can I be. I feel ashamed that I want my daughter to be how I want her to be. Is that why I love her so much? Is that why I am happy because she is going to live her life the way I want her to? All this makes me question myself that am I really 'bringing up' a human being or I am making a robot that does what I want it to do? Are we not bored of seeing the same things every day and doing them the same way always. Would I be bored of my daughter when I see her doing what I want her to do, laughing when I want her to laugh, crying when I want her to do so? Is this how parents bring up their children, to make them what they have in mind? Is this normal? No matter how hard I think about it, I can't see it being normal from any perspective. I don't see myself raising a human being, what I see myself doing is making a miserable life-form which would not know the basic meaning of living, which would not know what being happy is, that would not know what sadness is. How can someone like that make others happy? I still think hard, but I can't assume the fact that I am not being a good father because if a human being cannot call right from wrong, the whole purpose of humanity is lost.
- But humanity is a concept; I have to live a happy life too.
- I cannot see my daughter doing something that will make me unhappy.
- How can I bear the thought that my daughter who I raise and who I give my everything to, will counter my decision when she grows up.
- But how would I know what is good for her and what is not? How would she know what is right and what is wrong?
- I want my daughter to make me happy.
- But do I know what will make her happy?
- I want my daughter to sacrifice everything for me.
- Can I not sacrifice something for the one who I brought in this world?
- I want to hold my head high when I talk about my daughter and say 'this is the girl who I am proud of'.
- Would my daughter say, 'this is the father who makes me do everything'?
- But she is living her life.
- Is that really life?
- I want a daughter.
- Does my daughter want a father like me?
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2 comments:
Nice read. I found it to be amazing, I never knew that guys think the way you wrote.I always presumed that they wanted to keep a safe distance from family and do just those things that fathers are supposed to do..
But ya, one should always let the children be what they want to be. Thats something which my parents gave me..the freedom to choose whatever I wanted to be, whatever I wanted to do..they were there to catch me if I fell down. Thats the legacy I would definetly carry forward..
But reading this, one thing I did know for sure is that..you are gonna be a nice dad. :)
Thank you again. I wonder why 'guys' are taken as anti-family beings. I have never heard of anyone who wants to stay 'away' from his own family unless he is made to do so. It always is good to let a child be a child and when that child grows up, let that grown up face the world and learn what is right and wrong. What a parent needs to do is to be there to help when needed. That is how I have always seen a parent-child relation.
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